Enduring Phrases that Earn a Laugh > 50% of the Time

Spring has seemingly sprung, and with it, our senses of humor. If you're like me, someone who can't sustain any other person's interest for longer than the time it takes to drop a one-liner, then this post is for you. If, on the contrary, audiences are captivated by your glowing charisma, belly laughing like Seth Rogen at Hempfest whilst you wax on about anything remotely amusing, you're better off without this. To my fellow small voiced companions, please, read on.

Let's face it, we're not loud enough, obnoxious enough, rude enough or perhaps even interesting enough to garner an entire room's attention for any length of time beyond a few fleeting seconds. If, on the outside chance we're called upon to recall an event promising enough to earn said attention, we stumble all over ourselves, miss plot points and blow the punch line.

Thankfully the fourth dimension, time, was kind enough to drill our DNA with surefire, quick phrases that, more often than not, crack a few grins and maybe even earn a laugh. But don't take my word for it...

"Puts hair on your chest!" -- If you have a family drunk, you've been hearing this one since you pooped your underwear and hid them in a Pringles can so your mother wouldn't find them. This works best when said to women. Like it or not, the image of bearded cleavage is too remarkable for anyone's brain to pass up.

"A New York minute!" -- As in, "Just give me a New York minute!" or, "In a New York Minute!" Your grandparents used this to denote an instant. For best results, drop it nonchalantly in a fitting situation. A variation is the "hot minute," which means the opposite of New York minute and is used only by those you might suspect of pedophilia.

"That's what she said!" -- Overused? Without a doubt. To be effective, this one requires a bit of artistry and some risk-taking, as it has permeated all of popular culture thanks in no small part to Steve Carell and "The Office." Use this only when it feels absolutely necessary and at a time when it seems absolutely inappropriate. High risks yield high rewards.

"If it weren't for low class I'd have no class at all." -- This one comes from my dad and is self explanatory.

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" -- The answer is unequivocally yes, unless your target is a big tool and responds, "Not at the zoo!" Use this to assure someone of something. If your target is uncharacteristically grouchy or stiff, switch it around saying, "Does a shit bear in the woods?" If they laugh, you've won! If they correct your faux dyslexia, they aren't worth your time anyway.

"Better than a sharp stick in the eye." -- Most things are better than a sharp stick in the eye. Use it to ease a moment of misfortune. Not only is it good philosophical therapy, but it usually achieves a two syllable chuckle from those around you.

"I used to think I didn't take a very good picture. Then, I realized I just wasn't all that good looking" -- Also a favorite of my dad's. This is perfect for large get-togethers when pictures are flashed every other minute.

"Big pile of (insert derogatory adjective/noun) goo." -- You can jazz up any insult by bookending it with "big pile" and "goo."

"Ugly people make ugly things." -- Use this to insult the creative, or sarcastically ease the failed creations of your friends. Best to use behind someone's back. Not recommended for use during face to face confrontations on someone who is uglier than you.

"(Movie or TV quote)." -- If all else fails to make your presence memorable, rely on those million dollar beautiful people who make you laugh. The important thing to remember here is relevance. The quote has to stand up on its own. Don't mimic the inflections of the quoted, or risk alienating those who focus on source rather than substance. Temporarily make it your own and be the star, you earned it. If you're lucky, others in the room will recognize your affinity for pop-culture earning you a few a humor allies as an added bonus.

Try some of these out. Just remember, timing and relevance are key, as well as restraint. If someone can recall the last time you dropped one of these, then you're not showing enough restraint... That's what she said.

The iPhone Effect

I am painfully shy when it comes to girls. You wouldn't notice, however, unless you locked me in an interrogation room with an attractive female stranger. Without a beverage to sip, a movie to comment on, or a wingman to make me look cool, my level of interesting sinks like a communist submarine. Because of people like me, people who need an auxiliary object to validate themselves in public, John Casey, an Apple systems analyst and probably also one of those people, came up with the idea that became a reality that became a sensation, the iPhone.

Having spent all my cell phone owning years using the cheapest hunk of brain tumor inducing plastic available, my switch to something more hip was the virtual equivalent of leveling up. Originally, "more hip" for a cheapskate like me didn't mean the iPhone.

I went to the AT&T store with visions of purchasing an inexpensive but nifty phone. It didn't take long for me to realize that such a thing does not exist. When it comes to tech, you're paying for cool and let's face it, the iPhone is the king of cool. Sure, Blackberry, you might be prom king, but iPhone is Brad Pitt and when Brad Pitt is at the party prom kings don't see any action.

I couldn't settle for anything less, like many before me succumbing to the star of Seven Years in Tibet. No longer was I the guy sporting a Go phone similar in size and sex appeal to a Fig Newton; I became cool.

With a new auxiliary object in tow, I was ready to talk to girls.

The iPhone Effect: A Case Study

I found myself at a party over the weekend. As the shindig wound down, the hormonal paired off and disappeared, the virtuous, the taken and the ugly remained, schmoozing while rides arrived and the booze lingered.

I plopped down on the couch waiting for my friends to gather themselves before the walk home. On the couch next to me, lounged a girl (either on team virtuous or team taken) with her friend (team ugly) smoking what appeared to be a burnt pinch of basil out of a pipe. With nothing interesting to say, I minded my own beeswax, twiddling my thumbs pretending I was less aware than I really was.

Within minutes, it happened. Team virtuous turned to me, smiled a frighteningly attractive smile and asked,

"Excuse me. My friend is coming to pick us up. Do you know what street we're on?"

Immediately I envisioned the way this conversation could go had I not recently purchased an iPhone. I would answer hurriedly and without confidence,

"No, sorry."

She would thank me and our lives would go on.

However, I was cool.

"Excuse me. My friend is coming to pick us up. Do you know what street we're on?"

"Yep, hang on a sec."

Bingo. iPhone, GPS, current location.

"Church Street." I proclaimed. Hell. Yes.

"Oh thank you sooo much! Do you want to smoke with us?"

I thought of my future with this girl, the immediate future, the near future, the distant future. I thought of us happily married with three kids, living in suburbia, smoking basil, parsley, cracked pepper. Whatever team virtuous wanted to put in that rainbow pipe of hers, we would smoke... together. But the image of some sad spice rack sans basil got the better of me and I declined. Nonetheless, for that instant, I was cool. The iPhone gave me that instant.

Sometimes I wonder about that future the iPhone gave me the opportunity to realize. It would be pretty cool to look at the infinite alternate universes the iPhone provides. But I shouldn't despair, there's probably an app for that.

Fart Lock: The Dreaded Killer of Pool Parties

If you aren't familiar with the term, fart-lock may sound like something pleasant, something secure, ADT for your anus. However, in reality the term fart-lock implies something so cruel, so devilishly sneaky yet unabashedly irreparable that even the proud flatulent shy away from it. While Merriam-Webster has yet to accept my formal submission of fart-lock into the upcoming volume, I feel it's my civil duty to increase awareness about this trending topic by explicating herein the proper definition:

fart-lock [fahrt-lŏk]

-noun

1. The trapping of chemicals released in human flatulence into the perpetrator's swim wear (e.g., trunks, bikini, Speedo, etc.) and subsequent foul odor.

origin:

July, 2009

Let's use fart-lock in a scenario to ensure total understanding. Imagine a hot, sticky summer day in which you, along with the rest of your family, friends, youth group, gang, cult or any other following, have escaped to the local water hole to cool off.

Prior to your retreat, you crave the milky goodness of a strawberry milkshake and imbibe at the McDonald's along the way. Not having completely satisfied your id, you also partake in an over-sized chili cheese dog garnished in onions. And let's just say for the hell of it you decide to eat an entire cabbage, some broccoli, brussel sprouts, an asparagus, then decide to wash it all down with a glass of straight lactose. As an aside, the human byproduct of this gaseous combination has undergone extensive research at Cornell University as an alternative energy source.

Later at the water hole, you and the rest of the Carleton College Mustache Club splash carelessly like grandchildren at a retirement home. But not all is right with the world. Your stomach rumbles, turns over several times, blurps, gurgles then bam! Tiny bubbles surface. You flail wildly to hide your misfortune, but it's too late. Fart-lock has penetrated your swimwear. Just as bees wait above the surface, fart-lock patiently waits below. In the open air, the locked fart reeks as a fresh release, boldly bound to the synthetic material of your hipster cargo swim trunks for the rest of their trendy days.

Truth be told, fart-lock never really goes away. Once in, it doesn't come out. A good washing can mask the scent temporarily, but the dormant curse could waft free again at your least convenience.

The best defense against fart-lock is awareness. This PSA is sponsored by my many retired pairs of swim shorts.

Wizard of Oz Viewing Guide

Sick with the flu, I've decided to throw together a little something in honor of the 70th anniversary of the Wizard of Oz (1939), in conjunction with the surrounding Netflix fanfare. So, if you're sick like me, or just interested in one of the most symbolic works of American culture, head on over to:

http://www.netflix.com/wizardofoz/

and stream this classic gem. Keep in mind, no Netflix subscription is required, but it is a one day (Oct. 3rd) event only.

While you watch, follow along with my handy dandy guide, outlining some of the film's compelling trivia, to enrich what will likely be a ten millionth viewing. The guide is arranged chronologically, and is simply my organization of trivia compiled by the kind folks over at IMDB.com. More specifically:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032138/trivia

As always, this blog post was a complete waste of time. See how well I waste time on my next post as I portray a food critic and determine which brand of canned chicken noodle soup... is the best!

-Corey Murtha

Wizard of Oz (1939) - Guide

00:00:01

Although Judy Garland was always the favorite to play Dorothy, there were many other actresses in Hollywood who were also considered to play her. Among them was Shirley Temple, who was closer to the actual age of Dorothy and extremely popular at the time. However, her vocal talents were deemed by producers Mervyn LeRoy and Arthur Freed to be inadequate for the scope of the role.

00:00:03

Toto's real name was Terry. She died in 1945 and was buried in her trainer's yard.

00:05:30

"Over the Rainbow" was nearly cut from the film; MGM felt that it made the Kansas sequence too long, as well as being too far over the heads of the children for whom it was intended. The studio also thought that it was degrading for Judy Garland to sing in a barnyard.

00:05:30

The song "Over the Rainbow" was ranked #1 by the American Film Institute in 2004 on the 100 Greatest Songs in American Films list.

00:11:40

A small sign to the left of the door of Professor Marvel's wagon lists "Exhibition Balloonist" as one of his talents.

00:16:30

The "tornado" was a 35-foot-long muslin stocking, photographed with miniatures of a Kansas farm and fields.

00:18:30

If you look very closely at the Wicked Witch that Miss Gulch transformed into while Dorothy looks out her bedroom window during the tornado, you will see a shimmer from her shoes; she's wearing the Ruby Slippers. That means that she is the Wicked Witch of the East, who is soon to be killed when Dorothy's house falls on her. Margaret Hamilton (Wicked Witch of the West) has never been credited for playing this role (which is practically a cameo).

00:19:20

MGM had originally planned to incorporate a "stencil printing" process when Dorothy runs to open the farmhouse door before the film switches to Technicolor; each frame was to be hand-tinted to keep the inside of the door in sepia tone. This process, cumbersome, expensive, and ineffective, was abandoned in favor of a simpler and more clever alternative. The inside of the farmhouse was painted sepia, and the Dorothy who opens the door from the inside is not Judy Garland but her stand-in wearing a sepia-rinsed version of the famous gingham dress. Once the door is opened and the camera advances through it, Garland (wearing her bright blue dress) walks through the door and the audience is none the wiser. This effect does not work on older video/TV prints where the Kansas scenes appear in true black and white, as the changeover to color is all too apparent. With the Kansas scenes returned to their original sepia tints, however, they closely match the magical opening door and the effect is powerful

00:20:50

The movie's line "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." was voted as the #62 of "The 100 Greatest Movie Lines" by Premiere in 2007.

00:23:00

According to lead Munchkin Jerry Maren, the "little people" on the set were paid $50 per week for a 6-day work week, while Toto received $125 per week.

00:24:40

Of all the Munchkins, only two are heard speaking with their real-life voices, the ones who give Dorothy flowers after she has climbed into the carriage. All others are dubbed.

00:29:30

Many of the Wicked Witch of the West's scenes were either trimmed or deleted entirely, as Margaret Hamilton’s performance was thought too frightening for audiences.

0030:50

In the first take of the scene when the Wicked Witch of the West leaves Munchkinland, the smoke that was supposed to go up around her came early, and started forming before she stepped on the platform she was supposed to be on. On the second take, part of Margaret Hamilton (Wicked Witch of the West)'s cape got caught in the platform when the burst of fire appeared. She was severely burned, and the producers used the first take. You'll notice the early appearance of the red smoke.

00:41:00

After Ray Bolger successfully lobbied for the role of the Scarecrow, Buddy Ebsen (originally cast in that part) quite happily stepped into the part of the Tin Man. Unbeknownst to him, however, the make-up for the Tin Man contained aluminum dust, which ended up coating Ebsen's lungs. One day he was physically unable to breathe and had to be rushed to hospital. The part was immediately recast and MGM gave no public reason why Ebsen was being replaced. The actor considered this the biggest humiliation he ever endured and a personal affront. When Jack Haley took over the part of the Tin Man, he wasn't told why Ebsen had dropped out (and in the meantime, the Tin Man make-up had changed from aluminum dust to aluminum paste as one of its key components).

00:42:10

The "oil" that was used to lubricate the Tin Man was not really oil. It was discovered that oil would not photograph well, so chocolate syrup was used instead.

00:43:40

In the song "If I Only Had a Heart," the girl who says, "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" is Adriana Caselotti, the voice of Snow White in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937).

00:44:20

The Tin Woodsman costume worn by Jack Haley was reportedly so stiff that he had to lean against a board to rest. Thirty-eight years later, Anthony (who played C-3PO in the Star Wars movie series) had the same problem with his costume.

00:44:48

The steam shooting from the Tin Man's cap startles Toto, who runs out of the shot.

00:46:50

A scene was filmed in which the Tin Woodman was turned into a "human beehive" by the Wicked Witch; after he crushes a bee, the tin woodman cries and rusts his jaw shut, then has to be oiled by Dorothy to get his jaw working again. This scene was cut and so the scene of Dorothy and her companions that comes after where the "beehive" scene had to be flipped to match their continuity in the earlier scene, causing them to appear blurred slightly.

00:47:50

At the end of the sequence in which Dorothy and the Scarecrow first meet the Tin Man, as the three march off singing "We're Off to See the Wizard," there is a disturbance in the trees off to the right. This was long rumored to be one of the crew (or, by some accounts, one of the munchkin actors) committing suicide by hanging himself, but it is in fact a large bird stretching its wings.

00:49:10

The Cowardly Lion's facialmakeup included a brown paper bag. Actor Bert Lahr couldn't eat without ruining his makeup. Tired of eating soup and milkshakes, he decided to eat lunch and have his makeup redone.

00:49:10

Bert Lahr’s Cowardly Lion costume weighed 90 pounds.

00:50:30

While filming the scene where Dorothy slaps the Cowardly Lion, Judy Garland got the giggles so badly that they had to take a break in shooting. The director, Victor Fleming, took her aside, gave her a quick lecture, and then slapped her. She returned to the set and filmed the scene in one take. Fleming was afraid that this would damage his relationship with Garland and even told a co-worker he wished that someone would hit him because of how bad he felt, but Garland overheard the conversation and gave him a kiss on the nose to show that she bore no hard feelings. In the film she can still be seen to be stifling a smile between the lines "Well, of course not" and "My, what a fuss you're making.”

00:52:00

Ray Bolger (Scarecrow), Bert Lahr (Cowardly Lion) and Jack Haley (Tin Man) had to eat their meals in their dressing rooms, as the make-up they wore frightened the other diners in the MGM cafeteria. Ray Bolger (Scarecrow) commented in an interview on the reactions that other MGM actors had upon seeing these "weird-looking characters" in the cafeteria.

01:00:10

The horses in Emerald City palace were colored with Jell-O crystals. The relevant scenes had to be shot quickly, before the horses started to lick it off.

01:13:30

When Dorothy and her friends are in the Haunted Forest, the Lion has a spray pump with "Witch Remover" printed on it. In the next shot, it's gone. The reason is because there is a deleted scene in which the lion says that "the Witch Remover doesn't work but it's wonderful for threatening with." Disgusted, the Scarecrow takes the spray pump and throws it away. There is a close shot in which the spray pump hits the ground and vanishes.

01:15:10

During the haunted forest scene, several actors playing the Winged Monkeys were injured when the piano wires suspending them snapped, dropping them several feet to the floor of the sound stage.

01:17:00

When the Witch tries to get off the Ruby Slippers, fire strikes her hands. This "fire" was actually dark apple juice spewing out of the shoes. The film was sped up to make it look like fire.

01:18:30

A reprise of "Over the Rainbow" was filmed, in which Dorothy was remembering Kansas while being imprisoned in the Witch's castle. Judy Garland began to cry, along with the crew, because the song was so sad. It was later cut.

01:20:40

There are many alleged lyrics to the "Winkie Chant" performed by the Witch's guards, including "All we own, we owe her," "Oh we love the old one," and "Oh we loathe the old one." However, the correct version, seen in the film's screenplay, is "O-Ee-Yah! Eoh-Ah!" and any other interpretations are simply the result of the listener's mind treating the chant as an audio ink blot.

01:28:47

The movie's line "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain," was voted as the #24 of "The 100 Greatest Movie Lines" by Premiere in 2007.

01:30:00

Margaret Hamilton (Wicked Witch of the West) said that whenever she saw the scene where Frank Morgan as the Wizard is giving Dorothy's friends gifts from his "black bag" (a diploma for the Scarecrow, a ticking heart for the Tin Man, and a medal for the Cowardly Lion), she got teary eyed, because "Frank Morgan was just like that in real life - very generous".

01:39:00

The movie's line "There's no place like home." was voted as the #11 of "The 100 Greatest Movie Lines" by Premiere in 2007 and #23 by the American Film Institute (out of 100).