Fart Lock: The Dreaded Killer of Pool Parties

If you aren't familiar with the term, fart-lock may sound like something pleasant, something secure, ADT for your anus. However, in reality the term fart-lock implies something so cruel, so devilishly sneaky yet unabashedly irreparable that even the proud flatulent shy away from it. While Merriam-Webster has yet to accept my formal submission of fart-lock into the upcoming volume, I feel it's my civil duty to increase awareness about this trending topic by explicating herein the proper definition:

fart-lock [fahrt-lŏk]

-noun

1. The trapping of chemicals released in human flatulence into the perpetrator's swim wear (e.g., trunks, bikini, Speedo, etc.) and subsequent foul odor.

origin:

July, 2009

Let's use fart-lock in a scenario to ensure total understanding. Imagine a hot, sticky summer day in which you, along with the rest of your family, friends, youth group, gang, cult or any other following, have escaped to the local water hole to cool off.

Prior to your retreat, you crave the milky goodness of a strawberry milkshake and imbibe at the McDonald's along the way. Not having completely satisfied your id, you also partake in an over-sized chili cheese dog garnished in onions. And let's just say for the hell of it you decide to eat an entire cabbage, some broccoli, brussel sprouts, an asparagus, then decide to wash it all down with a glass of straight lactose. As an aside, the human byproduct of this gaseous combination has undergone extensive research at Cornell University as an alternative energy source.

Later at the water hole, you and the rest of the Carleton College Mustache Club splash carelessly like grandchildren at a retirement home. But not all is right with the world. Your stomach rumbles, turns over several times, blurps, gurgles then bam! Tiny bubbles surface. You flail wildly to hide your misfortune, but it's too late. Fart-lock has penetrated your swimwear. Just as bees wait above the surface, fart-lock patiently waits below. In the open air, the locked fart reeks as a fresh release, boldly bound to the synthetic material of your hipster cargo swim trunks for the rest of their trendy days.

Truth be told, fart-lock never really goes away. Once in, it doesn't come out. A good washing can mask the scent temporarily, but the dormant curse could waft free again at your least convenience.

The best defense against fart-lock is awareness. This PSA is sponsored by my many retired pairs of swim shorts.