Let's face it, we're not loud enough, obnoxious enough, rude enough or perhaps even interesting enough to garner an entire room's attention for any length of time beyond a few fleeting seconds. If, on the outside chance we're called upon to recall an event promising enough to earn said attention, we stumble all over ourselves, miss plot points and blow the punch line.
Thankfully the fourth dimension, time, was kind enough to drill our DNA with surefire, quick phrases that, more often than not, crack a few grins and maybe even earn a laugh. But don't take my word for it...
"Puts hair on your chest!" -- If you have a family drunk, you've been hearing this one since you pooped your underwear and hid them in a Pringles can so your mother wouldn't find them. This works best when said to women. Like it or not, the image of bearded cleavage is too remarkable for anyone's brain to pass up.
"A New York minute!" -- As in, "Just give me a New York minute!" or, "In a New York Minute!" Your grandparents used this to denote an instant. For best results, drop it nonchalantly in a fitting situation. A variation is the "hot minute," which means the opposite of New York minute and is used only by those you might suspect of pedophilia.
"That's what she said!" -- Overused? Without a doubt. To be effective, this one requires a bit of artistry and some risk-taking, as it has permeated all of popular culture thanks in no small part to Steve Carell and "The Office." Use this only when it feels absolutely necessary and at a time when it seems absolutely inappropriate. High risks yield high rewards.
"If it weren't for low class I'd have no class at all." -- This one comes from my dad and is self explanatory.
"Does a bear shit in the woods?" -- The answer is unequivocally yes, unless your target is a big tool and responds, "Not at the zoo!" Use this to assure someone of something. If your target is uncharacteristically grouchy or stiff, switch it around saying, "Does a shit bear in the woods?" If they laugh, you've won! If they correct your faux dyslexia, they aren't worth your time anyway.
"Better than a sharp stick in the eye." -- Most things are better than a sharp stick in the eye. Use it to ease a moment of misfortune. Not only is it good philosophical therapy, but it usually achieves a two syllable chuckle from those around you.
"I used to think I didn't take a very good picture. Then, I realized I just wasn't all that good looking" -- Also a favorite of my dad's. This is perfect for large get-togethers when pictures are flashed every other minute.
"Big pile of (insert derogatory adjective/noun) goo." -- You can jazz up any insult by bookending it with "big pile" and "goo."
"Ugly people make ugly things." -- Use this to insult the creative, or sarcastically ease the failed creations of your friends. Best to use behind someone's back. Not recommended for use during face to face confrontations on someone who is uglier than you.
"(Movie or TV quote)." -- If all else fails to make your presence memorable, rely on those million dollar beautiful people who make you laugh. The important thing to remember here is relevance. The quote has to stand up on its own. Don't mimic the inflections of the quoted, or risk alienating those who focus on source rather than substance. Temporarily make it your own and be the star, you earned it. If you're lucky, others in the room will recognize your affinity for pop-culture earning you a few a humor allies as an added bonus.
Try some of these out. Just remember, timing and relevance are key, as well as restraint. If someone can recall the last time you dropped one of these, then you're not showing enough restraint... That's what she said.
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